Adventures in dating...oh, in dating sites, too

Thomas and I are just friends now. Another long story about this break up, but it basically boils down to me being unwilling to accept less than what I want and deserve. I am only interested in men that love everything about me. Thomas admitted that he was attracted to my intelligence, but not to my body. I used to think having a man appreciate my intelligence would be great until I dated an older man briefly who wanted to just have intellectual conversations with me on the telephone with no social contact after his older girlfriend gave him an ultimatum - her or me. Not enough. I wish Thomas the best and hope he finds someone that is "ideal physical type" who is interested in him. With his lack of social skills and nerdy looks that may be hard. I doubt that there are a lot of drop dead gorgeous women that are interested in his physical type when the physical type most women these days like is either ripped hard bodies or tall, thin and handsome; Thomas is none of these. But I loved him anyway. because he's a cute funny guy with an incredibly mind and capacity for love and kindness when you look deeper. It wasn't his lack of social graces that ended our relationship. It was knowing that he doesn't feel the same way about me that I do about him. But it's not the first time I've cared deeply about someone only to find out he didn't feel the same way about me. As for my physical type. I find tall, dark men handsome, but I am not attracted to muscles or any particular build. However, I do not limit myself to a physical type and have dated all types of men. I am tall and I have dated men shorter than me. I've dated me much larger than me and men much smaller. Thanks to leaving all of the superficiality I had regarding men's looks when I was young, I have met and gotten to know some incredibly wonderful men. Not all resulted in relationships, but it is great to get to know so many interesting people. I joined a new dating site for large women and men attracted to us. I have shied away from these sites due to the high level of attempts to exploit women men may think are insecure and/or desperate for a relationship. While there are still women of all sizes, not just large women, who fall into one or both of those categories, many of us large women now are confident, discriminating, and willing to wait for the right man. So far I've been contacted by one "catfish," the colloquial term for bottom-feeding scammers. He is definitely from either Nigeria or Ghana due to his use of "am" instead of "I am" and tells the typical story of being a widower looking for a woman to spend the rest of his life with in his profile. Another dead giveaway is his disclosure of a high income to attract women afraid of meeting someone with little or no income that will exploit them for money and/or a place to live. I blocked this guy who claimed to be Native American and posted a photo of a man who looks white and said he was only interested in women willing to communicate through web cam, which means he is collecting photos to either sell or use for other purposes (I've seen photos online of unsuspecting large women who posed nude on web cams thinking they would only be seen by a man who claimed interest in them.) I only wish those interested in web cam encounters, nude photos, phone sex, and booty calls would be as forthcoming as this scammer.The exclusion of anyone not interested in communicating through web cam was probably the only thing he was honest about in his profile. However, he stated that he wanted to see women on web cam so he can "get to know" them better. So, he even lied about that. I also had a message from a man on POF whose profile photo is very disturbing and whose profile information is even more disturbing. He left me a message that only said "hi" and I answered with a one-word message. So, the next message i got was "How are you doing?" which probably took a great deal of effort for him to write judging fr om the grammatical and spelling errors in his profile. In his descriptive information he states that he is not interested in marriage or any kind of committed relationship, but in his written profile he says he is looking for a woman to spend the rest of his life with on POF. Looking at his photo, I'd say it's definitely possible that he has more than one personality. My most promising prospect at this point is not from POF where I've struck out twice now, but on Mate.com, the site for large women and their admirers. A gentleman from Canada, I think (not sure on this site) left me a generic message and I answered it. We'll see what happens. Not in any hurry to get involved with anyone after two back-to-back failed relationships. Besides, I have a 45-year old (this month) hottie trying to "hook up" with me (my terminology, not his) that is on my friend list on Facebook. He's an artist and commented on one of my posts,"I want to meet you bad, Ms. Geoyce Chatman!" I expect to meet him in the near future and we'll have to see what happens. Not sure why a man his age wants to meet a woman in her 60s, but it won't be my first time in Cougarville. I had a steamy relationship with a 27-year old when I was 41 that I met through a personal ad. But he just wanted to be my boy toy. I'm a very generous person but supporting an adult male is not appealing to me at all. -I once had a guy on Tagged who I suspect was in prison offer to be my boy toy (I suppose when he was released) and made it real clear it would be a financial relationship. I posted his buff picture that looked like it was taken in a prison gym on Facebook to see if any of my female (or male, I don't think he had a preference) were interested in "buying" a relationship. There were no takers.

Things didn't work out with the guy from POF in Toledo. Long story. Happy ending. However, in December, I received a message from a very interesting man on Plenty of Fish. We met right after Christmas while I was in Columbus for the holidays. He's half-Hispanic and our first date was at this quiet little Mexican restaurant. It's down the street from my sister's favorite "name" Mexican restaurant. The food was better and less expensive. We spent three hours getting to know each other there. The time went by so quickly, we were shocked when we realized how long we talked. Things went so well, we arranged to go to the movies at my favorite theater in the whole world, The Drexel, New Year's Eve. We saw "Girl With the Dragon Tattoo," then went to Graters next door for ice cream, coffee, and fruitcake! I went back to Toledo and we spent hours on the phone (at least one every night) talking to each other. He's a mathematical genius and freelance computer programmer. We really hit it off, so we had our third date at Barnes & Nobles in Columbus in January. By February, we were ready to spend Valentine's Day together and it was quite romantic. We had dinner supplied by me - he brought the wine - and our romance blossomed. He gave me the most beautiful card. I keep it on my desk at work to remind me how lucky I am to have him in my life. We see each other every month when I go to Columbus to visit my mother. I enjoy going to church with him and I've met a lot of his friends there. Our last "date" in Columbus was a few weeks ago. I invited him over to my mother's house for dinner. I cooked. He got to meet my mom and she was delighted to meet him. He also met my amazing niece and nephew, the smartest kids in the world! He was impressed. I'll be going to Columbus next week to see the man that has renewed my faith in love and men. He has a gentle, loving spirit. His priorities are his two children, his three grandchildren, his church, his work, and me. We don't always agree since we have differing political views, but we agree on the most important things: family, God, moral character, spirituality, peace, love, and our relationship which is also a friendship based on love and mutual respect. My first Plenty of Fish relationship didn't work out mainly because it was with someone that is disingenuous, narcissistic, and only interested in women he can control, manipulate, and use. I was heartbroken when I finally realized the truth last July. However, I quickly recovered, thankful that I found it out soon enough to sever any ties and heal any wounds that had been inflicted by someone whose only concern is himself. He went back to the woman he'd been married to for 33 years and divorced. I was contacted by a man I met on Tagged, that also lives in Columbus, and he met me a couple of times at the bus station when I came to town to visit my mother. We'd made plans to spend New Year's Eve together. Then he became too "busy" and I canceled. However, thanks to Thomas, my new love, I had a wonderful New Year's Eve, a memorable Valentine's Day, and now have a romance I think is true and lasting. We have both been bruised - he's been married twice - and hurt in the past, but still believe in love. One of the things we agree about most strongly is fidelity in a relationship and neither of us has any trouble trusting each other and our love for each other. In the past, most men I've dated have been jealous. Jealousy is debilitating and dangerous. I'm thankful that I've finally met a man that trusts me and that I can trust with my heart, my friendship, and my life. I know Thomas wants me to move to Columbus, but I just started a doctoral program and won't be leaving Toledo for a few years. I think our relationship can withstand the short distance and I'm still hopeful that he might consider moving. I know he wants to be near his children and grandchildren, but they're only a short drive away like my mother, sister, brother, and his two children. Thomas definitely wants to get married again and I've managed to avoid marriage and divorce. We'll see. I know he's the man I've been waiting for and the thing I like most is that he's not rushing me. My last POF "love" tried to rush me into matrimony. I teased Thomas on February 29th, Leap Day and Sadie Hawkins Day. I told him, "Don't worry, I'm not going to propose." With his quick and ready wit, he replied, "Good! Wait four more years, then ask!" We'll see. I'll let you know next Leap Year!

Share your adventure!

You've been on dating sites. You've had adventures. Share some of them here! Don't be shy. Anyone who's been on a dating site knows what you've gone through to find Mr. or Ms. Right.

Have you found the man or woman of your dreams? Still looking and need some helpful tips? Run into types you'd like to warn others about? Having fun just meeting people? Tell us all about it!

This is your opportunity to share your adventures and perhaps find some camaraderie with other dating site members. You never know who's had similar adventures to your own. Wouldn't it be great to find support and friendship in your quest for love?

You definitely have mine! So, let me know about your personal adventures, ask me a question about the dating sites I've joined (I only belong to one now!), and let me know if you need any tips or advice about dos and don'ts.

I look forward to reading about your adventures in dating sites!

Love at first, no second, no third, no fourth, no FIFTH sight!

LATEST UPDATE ON MY FAVORITE DATING SITE:

I always thought I had a soul mate. Imagine my surprise finding him less than five miles away! He's everything I dreamed of and more. 

Don't give up on finding your soul mate! Finding mine was worth trolling through all the scammers, "cammers," hit-it-and-quit-it artists, psychos, and emotional vampires. 

It took only nine months and four dating sites! Even though I didn't find my Mr. Right on Tagged, I've met some great friends here, including the man who's going to make me rich, my music producer! 

Because he took the time to actually read my profile, he found out I write songs and now we're making a digital CD together. Just read that this will be a multi-billion dollar industry by 2015! 

My man knows I have friends here and doesn't have a problem with me keeping my page up and staying in touch with all of you. 

So, thanks Tagged friends for your support through my brother's death, four failed attempts to find love here, and all of my "bad days." 

As for the ones who let me get away, I just want to thank you. If I'd settled down with your sorry ass I'd have missed out on the man of my dreams! 

Rating the free dating sites: Tagged, Badoo, Net Log, and Plenty of Fish

Rating the Dating Sites: Which one's #1?

I'm registered on six different sites, four of which actually offer free services. The first site I joined was Tagged, which I rate as the most popular and the most fun IF you're able to weed out scammers and cammers. 

Tagged has the best and the worst of dating site "trollers." I've met lifelong friends there and predators that make Ted Bundy seem normal. The fun parts are playing games, which I avoid for the most part; sending "tags," little messages that range from sweet to downright raunchy; giving LUVS, three a day unless you're a Premium member @ $19.99/month; "winking" at friends; and sending elaborate, often beautiful comments. 

I've made many good friends on Tagged which has the best profile pages - I currently have two - that can be as simple or as elaborate as you want them to be. Just skim through the riffraff and you'll meet some nice people. 

My least favorite site is Badoo, which seems to consist completely of scammers and cammers. I have to say Net Log, with a few exceptions, is not much better. I've been contacted by three men actually using the identities of U.S. Army officers. Reprehensible! 

The scammers are everywhere on Net Log with equal numbers of cammers. Nearly everyone there wants to go straight to chat with one purpose in mind, usually: to get you on web cam. The others want to gain your trust to work their scam and get you to send them money. 

I have met one or two "real" people on the site; however, I've run into several guys
from other countries trying to find someone to marry for U. S. citizenship. Beware!

Hands down the best site I've been on is Plenty of Fish. Contact time is slower, but
scammers are deterred because you can't send email or IM addresses on the site.
Of course, many people are there looking for a "hook-up" (casual sex), but that
can happen meeting people in traditional ways. Often dating is about sex, online
and offline. You have to decide whether you're interested in a booty call or want a
relationship. 

I'm just glad POF has a mechanism for screening out scammers. None of the
other sites seem to care. So far, I've only met a few people there, but except for a
nurse who called me at 3:30am when he got off work hoping to have phone sex,
most are regular guys. 

I have a standing date with a guy from nearby Detroit at Tim Horton's for coffee
when the weather gets warmer and just met a writer from Toledo who is so perfect he seems almost too good to be true. We'll see what happens. 

Be careful of meeting anyone contacted on a site in person. Arrange such meetings in public places initially. Make sure someone you trust knows where you are, how to contact you, and has any information you have about the person you're going to meet. Never get in a car with someone you've just met or leave a public place to go somewhere private the first time you see the person. 

If you feel uncomfortable or afraid, do not see the person again. Do not give people you meet on dating sites your home address or work address. Beware and be safe. 

From Scammers to "Cammers," Not That Big a Leap!

Scammers have one goal: to get a stranger to send money to someone who's established trust and a long distance relationship based on a lie. They use phony photos, names, stories, and locations. It's their job to convince you it's all true. And that they love you. And that they want to marry you. Then they find a reason to ask you for money. 

Men who want to get women on video use the same strategies as scammers, except they don't usually create a false identity because they're not doing anything illegal.   Exploiting women for sexual gratification rather than financial gain, they'll say anything to get you on a web cam. That's why I call them "cammers." 

These guys want control over women, asking them to strip, pose, and even perform sexual acts on camera while they watch. Never mind that there are "professionals" who provide such services. These jerks are too cheap to pay for it. 

I was sent as a joke, a still photo of a 300 lb+ woman sitting naked with her legs spread over the arms of a chair exposing her vagina. The person sending the photo with the caption "Somebody f-ed up my day, so I'm f-ing up yours!" either forgot I'm 300 lbs+ or was just too insensitive to care. 

When I received that photo of a woman who agreed to pose for someone who exploited her, not once but twice,  I realized cammers are no better than scammers. One just takes your money. The other takes your soul. 

My Response to an Obvious Scammer

I appreciate your interest and your need for a mother for your daughter. However, I am not interested in getting involved with a man with children. I can't have any and never wanted any. And I certainly don't want to live with a child this late in my life. I don't have the patience.

Good luck finding a mother for your daughter. I'm sure there's some lonely, childless woman  desperate for a family that will accept your offer. I'm neither lonely nor desperate. Just weary of widowed men with children who just assume because I'm a woman that #1 I have a maternal instinct and #2 I'm so desperate for a man I'd accept a marriage proposal from one I've never met. This is the sixth such offer I've gotten this week. 

I have stock replies for these guys now and use them liberally. Never worry about hurting a scammer's feelings. Remember, these people have no concern about your feelings and will manipulate your emotions to get what they want, which is usually as much money as they can get you to send them. Best to let them know you're on to them and get rid of them as soon as possible.


NEXT POST: From Scammers to "Cammers"